Month: August 2011

SLOTH

Ayin Es1 Comment

I’m going to come clean. The last week or two I have really haven’t done anything. I have made one drawing and have worked on my book very little. Last weekend I was at a resort with my best friend for her birthday, and the rest of the time I have been meaning to clean my house, but I haven’t. I have been mostly sleeping because I am dealing with CRUSHING FATIGUE!

I deal with a lot of fatigue anyway, but lately it is getting worse and worse. Can I just complain a little here? I am so sick of it! It makes me feel like an unaccomplished loser. Meanwhile, my mind is swelling with ideas and I can’t execute any of them. I physically don’t have the motivation. I’m lucky if I can do some dishes, then I have to lay down again. I’m good for sitting down and writing a bit, but that’s about it. I’m now about 40,000 words into my rough draft of the book. I tinker with it pretty often, but I can only write a little under 1000 words a sitting.

Never have I fully disclosed what is fully wrong with me. I have been conflicted about it for so many years for so many reasons. I don’t want to be the artist with a disability. I don’t want people to treat me differently, because they have. I also have issues with thinking that people wouldn’t believe all that is going on because it’s kind of a lot. I also don’t want to appear like I am kavetching or whining.

If you are seen with/in some kind a apparatus, like a wheelchair, people will define you as such. It’s just the way it is. There are times when I need such things and have met people, then met the same people when I was without the chair and they do not remember having hours long conversations with me before. It really sucks.

I have Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis and Lupus. To boot, I also have Ulcerative Colitis. If that’s not enough for you, I have Bipolar disorder. Isn’t that peachy? Maybe you think “No wonder you’re tired!” but I don’t give myself much of a break because I’ve had most of these things for years and have managed to produce a LOT of art and exhibit in many shows. I am only 43. Why am I now getting so very very tired? I have too many ideas to have this happening right now. I just hope this isn’t the beginning of some relapse. I’ve been in remission for some time. But remission is not all it’s chalked up to be. It’s not like everything is 100% in working order. You never bounce back to your “normal.” You’re always left with residual and daily pain, ups and downs and “Hi, how are ya! I’m a new symptom, pleased to meet ya!”

There’s arthritis, electrical pain, weakness, dizziness, headaches, fatigue, tremors, buzzing, vision problems, depression, stupidity and brain fog, memory lapses, rashes, and pee issues you don’t want to know about. I don’t complain all that much about it, considering, and never to friends, but today, I just feeling like punching a hole in the wall. That is, if I had the fucking energy.

Thinking

Ayin Es1 Comment

I’ve been working on this project for over two years, but I don’t have the money to finish it, so I am considering doing a kind of lottery. Not sure yet, but if I could get enough people to buy lottery tickets, maybe I can raise the money to finish the project and the winner of the lottery can come away with a piece of art. I wonder what readers think about this? I need about $2500. The money is for the glass flasks for this so that they all look like these inside the glass.

Uh like so:

Stuff n stuff

Ayin Es2 Comments

I’m not so good at blogging as often as I used to be. Sorry. It’s just that I have been using all my writing energy for my book these days. Didn’t I mention this before? I’ve been writing a book. It’s been a couple years in the making, but the past six months I have been really been focused on it, more or less, on a daily basis.

It wasn’t until then that I un-fictionalized it. Plus I got The most incredible program called Scrivner, which has made organizing the process about as easy as brushing my teeth. It’s a God send for anyone who is writing a book, screenplay, or what have you. I highly recommend it! It was a difficult decision to make it an actual autobiography of non-fiction. That was quite the hurdle actually. Now I am walking on very thin ice when I think about publishing it after it’s finished, but MJP was in my ear for over two years about it – telling me how I had to do it. The best thing about the entire story is that it’s all true. He has a good point there, but it’s not easy to then out my friends and family, and myself in a public manner about everything under the sun, moon and stars. It’s going to be difficult. And if this thing actually gets published by a real publisher, I’m probably going to get sued by a couple of people at least.

In other news, I am in an article on the Huffington Post that Mat Gleason wrote about the private studio tours he did during July. I had a few people come through my place and it was very fulfilling. Mat did a good job of describing the tours he did.

I also made my very first YouTube video! I have never tried to do such a thing before, so don’t be too critical:

Machine (In progress)

I’ve also recently applied for a grant at a NY foundation (pending) – wish me luck, and another residency at Yaddo in Saratoga Springs, NY. I’m also in a new group show at Hebrew Union College at USC right now, but the reception date has not yet been announced. The show will be there until December however.

Here is a painting I just finished:

I’m also still working on my Artists’ book called Houses. I have 4 more pages to go, plus the covers. Times that by six copies though. I still need a couple of months at least. Slowly but surely…