Back At It

I’ve been back at work, which is good. I’m feeling much better in fact. 

I’d been sick for so long because of the new medication I was on. The doctor then put me on medication for my upset stomach, which gave me some kind of painful obstruction in my bowel. From there, I got an infection, so I was put on antibiotics. I just finished those the other day, and I’m finally back on track. Of course, I’m not taking the original medication anymore, but it takes a long time to leave the system. But at least I’m not puking anymore. I’m goddamn grateful.

I’m now working on a bag piece and started another new painting on a 20 x 20-inch canvas. I’ve painted all the black outlines on it and am waiting for them to dry so I can fill in all the colors. It’s called The Bat, the Cat, the Cake, and the Snake, and it comes from this drawing.

I’ve also been back at my eye-book (for the most part). That has been a good thing for sure. I don’t know why I ever stopped doing it. It really does keep me sane. 

What else? Oh yeah…I was sort of unhappy with the way this painting (Good Morning Houses of Whom) turned out, so I tweaked it a bit to this. 

You probably can’t tell what I did, but I took away some white rocks that were on the mountain. It made a big difference, to me at least. I still need to get a better photo of it. For some reason, on this one, the white rocks are showing through.

Last weekend Hannah and I drove an hour out to a La-Z-Boy showroom and splurged on a couple of recliners. However, they won’t get here for six fucking months! That is a long time to wait for some chairs. By the time they get here, our feet will be beyond tired from not having anywhere to sit. 

I’ve been reading Hannah’s blog lately, and it’s been inspiring me immensely. If you’ve never read it, you should. She’s documenting how life has been for her since coming out as a trans woman. It’s very personal, and while I sometimes get pretty personal on my blog, her blog is inspiring me to reveal more of myself. So perhaps I will. 

I think about it a lot, actually. Sometimes I’ll type something and then remove it, thinking, nah. That’s way too much information. But maybe it’s a good risk to take. Maybe people can relate to me more than I think. 

Like I don’t want to rant about the trans thing to death. Sometimes I think I am, talking about my upcoming surgery and whatnot. But it’s about the only thing that occupies my mind these days. I don’t want to say too much about it. I don’t want to gross people out. I get scared to get too detailed. I don’t know who reads this stuff, ya know?

I shouldn’t care.

But it’s SO hard to wait. It’s so hard to lose the weight. And to reveal even more awful shit about me, I’ve been smoking on and off. That’s probably the toughest thing to get over. I most definitely have to quit at least eight weeks before the surgery, without fail. It will be a permanent quit at that point. I can’t smoke the whole time during the healing process, which takes another eight weeks. I’ll be well on my way with four months under my belt. 

But aside from that, all I want is to start living, and I feel like I don’t have a life until this surgery is behind me. Truly. I feel trapped. I’ve felt trapped for years. It’s partly why I’m a shut-in. I don’t want to go out in public because I am a non-person. I’m not real yet. I haven’t been since I was 20-something. And that’s not about youth. That’s about not having a chest to speak of. That’s about being seen as, for all intents and purposes, genderless. 

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