I can’t believe it, but I finally managed to complete an oil painting—a self-portrait—my first real painting since my recovery.
Actually, this is a piece I started back in 2012, but I pretty much hated it. The painting, which wound up entitled, The Devil in Me, drove me entirely mental. It didn’t matter what I did; I could barely save it. I had specific intentions for it, but everything kept going south, and I felt disappointed with myself.
This marked the beginning of a terrible time for me. It was shortly before I walked away from my first gallery. I’d been trying to embark on something new and couldn’t find it for the life of me. I went down multiple boulevards hoping to start on a new series, but nothing was working. I kept crashing into dumpsters and finally went into a self-doubt spiral into tarnation.
And with no thanks to that gallery—not that it was their fault, but every idea I presented to them wasn’t cutting it. The owner and the director didn’t think it was good enough or strong enough to base a whole solo show around. I felt like I couldn’t run with anything I came up with. I was pissed and discouraged, and I had a very similar dilemma to the one I’ve been in lately.
Back then (2012), I got desperate and decided to contact Ellie Blankfort She’s an artist’s consultant. I didn’t think I would ever need something like that, but I did. She helped me a lot. She’s like a therapist for artists. She handed me the keys to the Eye-book, which catapulted me into a whole new direction. I got my confidence back. And pretty fast too.
Well, in recent months, I’ve been diving back into my Eye-book exercises in hopes for a fix-all. While they’ve been helping somewhat, I still haven’t felt 100% myself. Then I got the idea to go back to this godforsaken devil painting and give it a revamp to see if I could finally conquer it, and I’m finally happ[y with the results. Since I finished it, I feel like I’ve been set free! Now it’s called, I’m Here for the Party.
So, let’s hope this is the beginning of a new roll. Am I speaking too soon? God, I hope not. Here’s to a long-lasting feeling of freedom and some newfound confidence. I’m not really a drinker, but I’ll toast to that.