Not that I have to “figure shit out” about my art, but I think I may have done just that.
How many times have you heard me say that? To that, I say, “oh well.” Because, isn’t it essential I keep trying, even if I’m spinning my wheels? Isn’t it important to keep getting back on the horse? At least I haven’t given up. Not yet anyway.
I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. Too much thought perhaps, but so what? However, I keep thinking about those godforsaken grocery bags I was so excited about when the pandemic first started back in April. I was crazy-happy about making those things, if you remember. If you were following, that is. I now know I need to go back to the start of that. I need to work on that series and get it out of my system, despite who liked it or didn’t like it. I’m supposed to be an advocate of not giving a shit about those things.
So maybe my gallery won’t ever show them. Who cares? I’ll stick them up on my website then. If they stay stacked in my flat files for the next 20 years, so be it. At least I can explore my idea, right? And my gallery didn’t even say anything all that negative, just that my other work was preferable to the bags–and I don’t think it was necessarily the bags themselves, but the abstract compositions. Well, I like making abstracts sometimes. So sue me. I like mixing things up.
Also, I’ve been back into my eye-book, which has been extremely promising. I’ve been feeling good about the imagery that’s coming out of that. This whole art business (not actual “business-business”) is all about confidence and feeling good. It’s not about what others think, and there is no right or wrong. I can’t help what I make. I do what I do. I should learn that already. How many times, though? But I know I’m not a one-trick pony, and hey, maybe that’s a good thing! I do like ponies though. Don’t get me wrong.
On the surgery front, I decided I can put it off until the end of March, but I really don’t think I can wait longer than that. Life is too short to stay this unhappy with this whole gender dysphoria thing. And, there’s always a likelihood of a revision, even in the best of circumstances, a year after surgery. But by the end of March, I will be a more ideal weight. I won’t have to worry so much about pushing my body to lose more than five pounds a month, and if I do, then all the better. I have to reach a realistic weight that I can maintain, and that’s also something to consider.