Yeah so, I had a really bad day yesterday. Not the whole day, but a good part of the day. Depression takes me over sometimes. It’s the nature of the beast.
But Hannah totally cheered me up. She is the best listener ever. She puts up with all my crap. I don’t understand how she does it, but she does.
Like I keep bringing up, I dwell on that recent fight with my brother. He was so right! I “dwell on the negative.” However, I’m convinced that this separation of ours is the correct thing to happen. Every time he’s been out of my life, my mental health eventually improves. I’m on shaky ground right now. Maybe because new things are coming to light and upsetting the waters. I don’t know, but I may be able to navigate this pain in time.
Yesterday was a meltdown though. I kept thinking about his words. And he is right: something is seriously wrong with me. Not to say there isn’t something seriously wrong with him too, but it’s true, I’m a mentally ill person. And I am angry.
Growing up, he failed to protect me in so many ways. Not his fault, but I don’t know how to let go of the anger. It’s a lot easier when he’s just not around to remind me of everything.
Now, Friday, something very odd occurred. For the first time in my life, I contacted a lawyer. What? Yes. I don’t know why. Even though the statute of limitations has long run out for me, I just wanted to make sure. My brother’s friends (the young men who raped me) went on with their lives a long time ago. And I went on with mine. But my life was ruined.
Sometimes, or much more than sometimes, I wish I could go back and take my own life. I should have done it when I reached my teenaged years. Then I wouldn’t have had to go through a lifetime of blind misery, depression, self-blame, and self-hatred. I’ve had to work so hard just to not hate myself anymore. It took me a lifetime to write an email to a lawyer, who won’t be able to do anything for me, by the way.
In other fucking news, I started feeling better toward the end of the day yesterday and worked on upcycling my new business cards. I’m still waiting for the last of the rubber stamps, but I have the cover-up stickers to work on them in the meantime.
And I’m finishing up this oil painting today. I don’t know how I feel about it yet, but I forgot to leave a space to sign “Ayin Es” on it for the first time.
I think I’d like to spend the rest of the day thinking about a new Artist’s book to make in the near future.