Creating Choices

When I’m impatient, the only way to suffer through is to create choices–even if they’re hypothetical. I don’t know why, but it helps.

I guess it’s about control. I don’t like things being out of my control. It’s why I never took to ceramics.

I feel better if I have plans and decisions in place, even if I decide to change my mind later. If ‘A’ happens, I want to know I will move ‘C to G.” If ‘B to C’ happens, I’ll go with plan ‘X.’ It’s all very strategic too. I’m actually pretty good at Chess, though slow.

I’m mentioning all this before telling you that I made a last-ditch effort to get Dr. Sinclair (my original surgeon that my insurance pays for) to change his mind about making my incisions straight. He’s the one that refused to do it, even though I’d asked several times. I gave up asking him, but maybe I wanted to try one last time…

We had some disagreements about the subject. But I’m afraid I just don’t agree with his philosophy about why. I’ve considered his views on the practicality of it, but (I feel) aesthetics takes precedent. He doesn’t think it should.

I think the problem is, he’s old-skool. Even though he’s a transgender specialist, he still sees the world in a binary way. FTM. MTF. Am I the one to change his mind about nonbinary people? Probably not, but I can try, and maybe that will make it easier for the next nonbinary person he comes across. 

So I wrote him a letter despite his views. I sent it in the mail, hoping that would give it more oomph. I have nothing to lose by doing this. My surgery is still scheduled for February 26th. I could still cancel it if I have to. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if he just changed his mind though? Everything would work out so perfectly. I’d be happy and ride off into the sun.

If he doesn’t change his mind, which I don’t think he will, I have three other choices of doctors, but don’t know exactly how they’d get paid yet.

Dr. Mosser/Facque in San Francisco. That’s basically if the appeal comes through in my favor. That would only cost me $4000 for the trip. If no appeal, I can’t afford the whole shebang. That’s $15,000.

So there’s Dr. Champaneria in San Diego, but I still don’t know if he could give me a straight scar, I just really like him. I’m seeing him on February 3rd to find out more, like what his fees are and if he can give me what I want. He seems like a great doctor, and I’m hoping he’s the one.

Then there’s a Dr. Alter in Beverly Hills. He’s another option, and I’ve talked to him briefly. He said could give me the scar I want, but I have no idea how much he costs. I’m calling him later today. He’s a world-renowned trans surgeon, so I imagine he’s expensive.  

In all honesty, I do not think I will be winning my appeal. I think I’d have to take it to a hearing and fight for it for at least another six months on the basis of not having any other competent nonbinary options in the network. I’m not sure that is worth my sanity, as I’ve stated before.

So, it comes down to my moves. What are they? 

Today, I’ll find out the ballpark amount for Dr. Alter and stick that in my back pocket. Thursday, I will call Dr. Sinclair and check up on that letter. If he’s still a no, I will count on Dr. Champeneria unless he can’t give me what I want. If that doesn’t work, it’s between Dr. Alter and San Francisco, depending on the cost. It might wind up that I still pay the $15,000 and get this done in San Francisco if nothing else works out.

But, I’ll know something a bit more final anywhere from three to ten days.

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