Going Through It

I haven’t smoked in 17 days now. I’m wearing the last step of the patches, plus I’ve gone a day here and there without wearing one at all. 

I’m still having bad cravings, but nothing like I had last week, thank god. However, I’m going through a lot of ups and downs and a bout of depression. I guess it’s to be expected. I’ve been focused on my surgery, the scars they will be leaving, and my weight. 

I haven’t lost any more weight. I’m still trying my best, and I’m walking more than a mile every morning. I figured this would be extra difficult while trying to quit smoking. Whatever. I wanted to lose a lot more before the surgery. Maybe I still can lose a few. 

As for the scars, I’ve been obsessing. I really want the incision line to go straight across, but I don’t think it’s possible. Not with the surgeon I’m scheduled with anyway. I freaked out about this the other day and called to cancel the surgery–thinking I could find someone else to give me what I want. 

I set up a new consultation with someone else, but then I realized I shouldn’t have canceled my surgery. Not yet anyway. So I called back the next day and UNcancelled it. Turns out, they didn’t even cancel it yet because apparently, this happens with patients all the time. They have a freak-out moment, call to cancel, then call back and un-cancel. Pretty funny.

Only it’s not that funny. Even though I will be getting at least one more consultation, I kinda know what’s what now. I know more about how these things are done and understand why my surgeon has to make the scar curve downward. There probably is a way to go straight across, but it will not look natural. I don’t know which is better/worse of the two. 

If I decide on a different surgeon, I’ll be either paying out-of-pocket to do it in San Diego, or pushing my insurance to do it out-of-network in San Francisco–which will postpone it significantly. I’d have to go through an appeal process, which can take up to 90 days, then I can schedule it. 

There is the possibility I could win the transgender surgery grant in February, but those chances are slim. Then I would not need insurance (if I decide on a different surgeon, that is).

So, I’m in it, thinking about it, confused, and trying to decide on what’s best for me. 

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3 thoughts on “Going Through It

  1. lindacbugg January 16, 2021 / 3:43 pm

    Dumb question but have you spoken with others who have gone thru this surgery already? I imagine you have & it’s not as though I know a ton of people who’ve gone through this already.

  2. Carol Es January 17, 2021 / 9:06 am

    Almost a ton. I have thoroughly done my homework, and then some, almost to an obsessive amount and have talked to at least a hundred people so far. But it’s not a dumb question. I get it a lot. You can see a lot of YouTube videos about people who document the whole process as well.

  3. Carol Es January 17, 2021 / 9:11 am

    Since I wrote this, I have decided that I need to have a straight line across my chest, and anything else is going to put me back years in my dysphoria again. I just can’t have lines on me that remind me of boobs. I will be devastated. So now…I’m back to square one and I am very upset. I’ve been writing a letter to my insurance company that my doctor will hopefully submit with the next referral to Dr. Mosser in San Francisco. They will still probably deny it, and it will take months to appeal. 🙁 If that doesn’t work, I have to start again and pay out of pocket.

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