Is This My Presence?

I meant to write a blog post much earlier, but I guess I’m just really busy. Always, right? Well, I wanted to report that I had a well attended reception in Lancaster at MOAH on Saturday afternoon. It went well. It’s such a great space and people seemed to be extremely enthusiastic about my work and the installation. It can’t get any better than that, right?

At times there was a line coming out of the tent. It seats four at a time. I guess you could essentially squeeze another on the floor and make it five. It’s carpeted. People really liked watching the movie in there. I loved how the whole show was situated. I was very happy with the set-up. The movie, Up to Now, plays on a never-ending loop, so sometimes people would stay and see some parts twice. They didn’t seem to mind. They seemed to get sucked into those six minutes, which is really not that long.

I noticed that a lot of people brought their young children, which is good and nice and all. I don’t mean to sound like an old curmudgeon here — I think kids should be exposed to art as much as possible — but if you can’t control your out-of-control kid, don’t bring them around art. Not unless you can keep your eyes on them. Below is a quick pic of “the Prince.” The child of brainless parents, or grandparents, or whatever type of guardians they were. It’s really not his fault that he is allowed such extended freedoms. He’s allowed to do whatever he pleases. He is, after all, perfect. He got to push over my lawn chairs, touch and pick up almost every item inside of the tent, even after I asked him not to with his grandparents present. They only sat there and said he was “just curious,” then allowed him to pick up my electric lantern. That’s when I yelled, “Nothing can be touched in here. You have to leave now.” Slowly, they got up and meandered out of the tent.

Later we found Rattlesnakey, who normally lives on the pillow of the sleeping bag, outside the tent on the floor. How he got there, I do not know. I have a sneaking suspicion it was the Prince. I believe he struck again. Or perhaps it was revenge of the grandparents, or another out of control child, or rebellious teen. I didn’t see anyone else there it could’ve been, like Andy Dick or someone.

Anyway, the show got a good little write up on Art & Cake, so read it!

Being around so many people was hard, but I DID IT! It’s over. It’s passed, in the past. Done. My presence was there. Sort of. I tend not to remember much after those things. I go blank. I forget people’s names. Even my best friends’ names. I’m all jittered up. I feel like everyone thinks I’m a snob because I am most likely making thousands of social faux pas’ without knowing it. I forget to introduce so and so to so and so, or I leave some conversation in mid-sentence to greet someone else. I’ll forget to thank the person for coming, I didn’t thank someone for a compliment or disagreed with a compliment — which I tend to do. Overall I will kind of disassociate and float about the room, not really paying attention to much at all.

First of all, I can’t even believe that I was out in public as big as I am right now. I’m just being honest. It is fucking humiliating. I wouldn’t think in a million years I could put on this much weight, or that it would even be possible! I had a tiny frame. Not so I guess. Or maybe I still do underneath all these pounds and that’s why the pain has increased so much. Okay, I’ll shut up, because I was going to report that I think my meds were starting to work, but then I think about what a mountain I have to climb and I just cry. But I need to stay determined, one pound at a time. Today I went to the doctor and he said that my thyroid was all out of wack too, so maybe once I start taking those meds things will be a little easier.


4 Responses
  • PhillyDave Reply

    Thank you for the above words. Good stuff.

    • Carol Es Reply

      Thanks Dave! Sorry it took me a lifetime to respond.

  • dave Reply

    congratulations carol!

    your work and inner strength continue to inspire me.

    dave aka ‘d gray’

    • Carol Es Reply

      Thank you Dave. Replies like yours make me feel exactly the same way. Extreme thank yous.

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