I waited most of the day yesterday and did not get my question answered from the Gender Confirmation Center.

The question was whether or not I could proceed with my surgery date despite there not being a contract in place with the insurance company. My liaison there said she’d ask about it, but highly doubted it was possible. Not such good news, especially because my first pre-op appointment is only in ten days.

I would think they’d want the surgery paid for before then. That’s just my assumption, and like I said, I didn’t get answers. Negotiating the contracts will probably take longer than ten days. Again, just my assumption. But that’s based on my insurance telling me that it takes two to three weeks. Good assumption.

So, to save myself all the mental stress, impatience, mystery, and anguish, I decided to just pay for it out-of-pocket. I’ll wait until payment is due, but deciding this gives me peace of mind that I will definitely be getting this surgery on the 24th of March.

Maybe that sounds crazy. After all that fight with the insurance company. After all that work, and I’m even approved now! But they are still dragging their feet, and I can’t stand it anymore. I need this to work out on my timeline, or else I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I have lost it several times already. I’ve had debilitating depression over this. It’s not worth it anymore.

I was already resolved on paying for it anyway. What’s the difference? If it works out that they negotiate the contracts in time, great. If not, it doesn’t matter.

That’s where I’m at now. I can move on. It will be a switch because I’ve been hell-bent and in obsessed-mode these last months, but I need to get some work done and tie up a lot of loose ends before the trip to San Francisco.

I will be out of commission for many weeks afterward. I need to clean the hell out of my house, get as much art done as possible, autopay bills ahead of time, make an out-of-office email, stop snailmail, plan meals, buy supplies, and do all the other preparation.

It’s strange that there’s so much prep to be done just to stay on your back for six weeks. Sounds like a cakewalk, but I know it’s not going to be easy.