I’m pretty secular, but I was thinking about not eating for 25 hours after the sun goes down tonight. That doesn’t mean I can do Yom Kippur like a real Jew. I said I was thinking about it.
Sometimes, it’s the thought that counts, right? Ha. Not really, but I think about a lot of things on this holiday. It doesn’t go entirely unobserved. It’s equal to most people’s New Year’s resolutions, I guess. It’s a new year, so I think about the last year in retrospect, what kind of growth I’ve made or haven’t made, and what I can do differently.
Maybe setting goals is putting the cart before the horse on this holiday, but I can’t help it. That’s what I do. I’m concentrated on my art. I want to stop obsessing about my weight, learn some acceptance, focus on my surgery, and improve my overall thinking. I’ve always been so hard on myself. I know I can’t change that overnight, but I can ease off a little.
Lately, it’s been hitting me like a shovel in the face–I’m no spring chicken. I’ve got to learn acceptance, at least a little bit. I can lose all the weight in the world, but that doesn’t mean I’ll look good in the end. It’s not like losing weight when you’re under 40 where everything snaps back. It’s so true how youth is wasted on youngins. I wish I knew how good I had it then. And I wish I never got this way.
But lamenting is for losers.
Speaking of which, I keep dreaming about my (ex) friend as if we are in touch again. I miss her and I think about her too much. She’s often the subject of my therapy sessions. Sometimes I wish she was back in my life, but for several reasons, it’s not a good idea. It’s the second year now where I’ve had to re-evaluate this relationship and not reach out. It’s not even for certain she’d be receptive, but it takes a lot of self-restraint on my part to just sit here. I wonder if she thinks about me at all. I wonder what’s going on with her. I wonder if she ever reads this blog.
One goal I’ve learned not to set very high is improving my relationships. That might sound awful, but I suck at maintaining them. Instead of beating myself up about how many bridges I’ve burned and how guilty I feel, I think it’s better to just accept myself for how I am. That doesn’t mean I can’t do better. I only think I need to impose more self-respect in terms of my limitations. Everyone has their reasons for how they are. So do I.
Before getting too far into the new year, at least I finished Girl in a Boat, oil on canvas, 34 x 34 inches.