Metamorphosis

Well, today marks the one-year anniversary since I had my gender-confirming surgery. It’s a bit fitting because I’m awaiting the judgment on my legal name change to arrive in the mail any day now too. I was hoping it would come today, but oh well.

According to the county clerk, it should arrive sometime next week. Then, I will send off the paperwork for my Social Security card. That shouldn’t be as long of a wait—hopefully.

I suppose I’ve been through a lot over this last year. Getting the surgery certainly wasn’t easy. It was an uphill battle getting it approved. Fighting the insurance company and appealing their denials was stressful. Driving to San Francisco wasn’t so bad, but driving back was fucking traumatic and painful. Laying in bed on my back for six weeks kinda sucked too.

I wish I could say I feel 100% again, but I wouldn’t say that. I tried to do physical therapy some time ago, and it didn’t go great. I wasn’t ready physically. I also experienced some weird discrimination. Maybe it wasn’t so much discrimination as just plain weirdness. There were a lot of inappropriate questions and judgments coming from my physical therapist about my surgery, my scars, my choices, and my identity. It was enough to make me feel very uncomfortable and never want to return, so I didn’t.

Today I feel better, but I still can’t fully stretch my arms over my head. That is still painful. Even a year out, if you can believe it. Perhaps if I lose more weight. I’m hoping anyway. I’d say I feel 80% better, which is a far cry from how bad it was six months ago. I could hardly take a full breath in without my chest feeling pulled in too tight.

Overall, I feel like a butterfly. Like I’m more myself, and who I was always supposed to be. In many ways, I feel like telling everyone who thought or thinks unwell of me to go fuck themselves. I don’t need them anymore. I don’t need toxic, ignorant assholes in my life.

I have supportive people now, and they are amazing. I wouldn’t have thought I deserved such people a year ago, but now I think I do. Because I know I don’t deserve to walk away from every conversation feeling like shit. But certain life-long people had a way of making me feel just that, yet they insisted I made myself feel that way. It hadn’t occurred to me that it was because of the person they were and always have been.

But now I see better than ever. I see things better all around. New name, new body, new outlook, new life. Yeah. A lot has happened.

2 thoughts on “Metamorphosis

  1. Hannah March 24, 2022 / 3:42 pm

    You inspire me, and I love you.

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