Which is which, and which is worse? I can’t tell if I’m having super deep dysphoria, bouts of extreme depression, or stomach-turning impatience. Maybe all of the above.

I was feeling so good, and now I feel like I’ve been knocked off a skyscraper. I’m still falling and falling in mid-air–getting more and more distraught as my head gets closer to hitting the pavement. How sad it will be for Hannah. How sad it will be for me–that I never got to be myself. I feel so stuck in slow motion, and I’m panicked. Impatient beyond words. I want something to break!

Things seemed to be going so smoothly. Now I keep having unrealistic thoughts like, why can’t that doctor just learn about nonbinary dysphoria and make a straight cut across my chest? I even sent him a YouTube lecture about nonbinary dysphoria and why they prefer straight surgical marks. I’m sure he has ignored it. But fuck, if he’d only give me what I want, then none of this would suck. But I’m blue in the face.

My only hope is to get the surgery approved with Dr. Mosser/Facque in San Francisco. And I don’t like the idea of still having to pay about $4K for that trip, or even traveling during a time when I’m going to be coming out of surgery in such pain. Plus, it could be months before I will find out if I can even get the insurance to pay for that doctor, possibly longer if I need a lawyer to keep fighting for it.

For these next six weeks, I thought I was finally going to be on the way to being myself, but now that’s OVER and gone. It could be more like six months. I’m so upset, I want to die now.

But one solution is, I could pay for it all out of pocket–stick it on my credit card, and go somewhere where I don’t need to fly or don’t need an insurance company’s approval. I can know more about that after February 3rd, as I’m having a consultation with a doctor in San Diego that might be able to help me. I may just do it. This insurance shit is just too fucking depressing.