Day 5.

No cigarettes for five days. This is when I usually crack. 

I wear nicotine patches, which I’m sure takes the edge off. but I’m still in a shit mood. Though, I can’t imagine how bad I’d be without them. 

My bad mood is compounded by the fact I have gained weight. How? I have no idea. I have been walking a mile every day. I write down everything I eat. I’ve not gone over 1300 calories. I don’t get it. Okay…I’ve eaten a few Jelly beans, but they are four calories each. I haven’t eaten enough to gain two pounds.

Now I am four pounds off my schedule. I can’t see how I can make that up sans sticking my finger down my throat, and I haven’t resorted to that yet. 

A side note: I usually write my blog posts in Grammarly, which corrects your spelling and grammar as you write, which is helpful, but it always says I write in a “passive voice,” and I don’t even know what that means! I’m not a professional writer. I’ve taken a few classes, but I never learned this active/passive voice thing, and it’s fucking annoying. 

Anyway, Bulemia is when you binge first, then purge. I don’t eat all that much in the first place, so even if I did start puking, I’d become malnourished. 

Don’t worry, I’m not going to start with that shit, even though I’m just about that desperate. 

All the meds I take are against me. If I listed them out, you’d be amazed. You’d be amazed at how many I take. You’d be amazed someone could take that much and still be cognizant, and you’d be surprised I’m not even fatter. At least four of my medications equal an extra twenty pounds (each) right off the bat. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who takes drugs for mental illness, especially bipolar disorder.  

Then there are a couple of pills I take for Lupus that cause my metabolism to slow, and one for my neurological problems that also cause weight gain. That one is Neurontin, and it makes me so fat. It doesn’t need a baseline, so I’ll often skip it. But then it feels like electrical shocks are erupting throughout my legs. Nice! That’s really the only thing I can think of to catch up…but then I don’t know if I can walk that mile a day. 

Catch fucking 22. Oh what fun. 

Next time, hopefully, I’ll be in a better mood and will be posting one of my new artist’s interviews, either with Elizabeth Hoffman or Paul Pitsker. Then I’ll start rounding up more for your reading pleasure.

Until then, wish me luck.

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