Don’t fault me for not being around lately. As usual I’ve been swamped. Not to keep playing that card, but it’s not a card to play anymore. It’s just life. Life is life. Why can’t I just accept my life? Is it too late?
I’m a mess.
Can I accept that I’m a mess? Whenever I pick my head up from all the crap I busy myself with, I see how ill I am. So I try not to take a break, or take a breath. I don’t like to admit that I need help. A lot of help. What soldier wants to admit to that?
My life has been taken over by this book, and there’s no rest. When it’s done and out there, and all over with, what then? I’m counting on a huge sigh of relief, but what if that doesn’t come?
In the meantime, I keep going like that idiotic pink battery bunny thinking there will be an end of my to-do list, like when it’s complete, I’ll finally be able to take a week-long nap, but that is just not going to be the case. Ever! There’s not even time to contemplate something like that.
No quiet time. It’s quiet around here, sure, but I don’t have quiet time to just think. To just stare off into space. Every moment is filled with the noise of a computer screen or a TV, or some other clingy-clanking racket that plugs into me like electricity through my spine, zapping me down every extremity and making me wish I could rip out of my skin.
Edgy much?
It’s always something. Someone is waiting for me, or I’m late for an appointment, or the dog stinks and needs to go to the groomer, or the laundry is piling to the ceiling. The dishes are all dirty and we can’t even find a saucer to eat off of. Oh, and I still haven’t eaten today. It’s 3pm, yet I’m continuously gaining weight. This happens all the time. Someone tell me how that is even scientifically possible. These days, I don’t want anyone to see me so fat. I stay indoors until I’m at an acceptable weight, which hasn’t been fluctuating as often as it used to.
And I’m getting mighty sick of these dreadlocks. Showers take hours.
Is the complaining portion of this blog post finished now?
This week I finally formatted my goddamned book to the point where the files were accepted without errors and I can order the proof. Two weeks behind schedule now, but at least I’m moving along. This last week, or week and a half, I’ve been so busy working trying to make up the time I lost, it’s just seelly.
yet, I couldn’t tell you what I’ve actually accomplished since I’ve written my last newsletter or blog post. Most of it is backtrack shit because all the stuff I thought was “done” was in fact not really done. The cover for instance, was not done because there are a few different versions. The design was done, yes, but it needed to be formatted and laid out exactly for print for both the paperback and the hardcover. Then, I found that all my illustrations in my book were formatted incorrectly and I had to take each one from the raw file, reformat them in Photoshop and replace them in the Word file as bitmaps at higher resolutions. All 112 drawings. Plus, there are about 25 photos I had to reformat as well.
And the eBook, oh vey! What a disaster. You’d think all that would be easy with Calibre (the program that generates your Word files into .epub files and .mobi files), but not so, because I wanted the layout to essentially look just about the same in both. This is nearly impossible, but I didn’t care. I wanted tot try.
And, since I started composing this entry, I had to reformat the hardcover images again! The bleed was still too short. Gah!
So now I’m awaiting the digital proof from the publishing partner, and I’ve sent the manuscript in for some reviews, one to Kirkus, which will be the place that vets the legitimacy of the book — if it’s any good, that is. I’ve already been rejected from two review bloggers who weren’t into the synopsis. It’s like going through the agent search all over again. I have to hit up a few other places, and query online mags and blogs for more. Wish me luck on those, good people.
If you, or anyone you know has a publication or blog that does book reviews, and actually wants to try to read my book, or does interviews with people with interesting stories (maybe they don’t want to read the book either, but they like the story line — a lot of people just don’t read I guess), please think of me and help me out!
Anyway, I have more to complain about, but I’m tired. But I’m about to join NetGalley, which is a place where its practically guaranteed I will get at least one review. I have to submit a bunch of materials with my book though, like a press release and all that. I have to do that before I can hit up most of these publications or blogs — to even ask to be reviewed. Maybe I can just sleep it off until I can get my shit together. Boo hoo.
Well, anyway. Happy Xmas everyone!
Oh Carol. I love you. I’m sorry. It’s bloody hard isn’t it? Thinking of you. Wish I could get to see you, be with you…
I just got around to reading this and feel compelled to comment. First, let me say “happy new year” with the emphasis on “new”. You appear to suffer from being a talented person, with a creative mind, who has difficulty not tackling every problem head on and immediately. (Forgive me if I pretend to actually know something about you because I don’t, other than I think you are very talented and very intelligent based on what I have seen and read) I expect that you will feel a temporary relief when the book is finished, which I intend to read, by the way. But, I expect it to be temporary unless you take charge of yourself. It sounds simple but is not. The most important thing in any of our lives is our own health, both physical and mental. Dogs always stink and need to be groomed, people ask things of us and expect us do do them, we expect to do thiings for others, creative minds always ask “what if”, “why don’t I”, etc. It is a never ending cycle unless we break it intentionally. So, for all our sakes (so we can continue to enjoy your art, your words, etc.) use the “new” year to take charge of your own health. Take one hour out of the 24 we have availabe each day, turn off everything, and do something relaxing. I am not saying meditate, although that is an excellent option, but do something just for you during that hour. Indulge yourself with time to think, admire art, or something to allow youself to relax. You will still have 23 hours to rage against the dying of the light each day.
Meanwhile, I appreciate how frustrated and overwhelmed you seem to be with all the daily details. My heart goes out to you because I have been there. Most of us have been at some time but especially those of us who did not have storybook upbringing. You have my empathy, for what it is worth, and I wish you peace. But, peace comes with a price and requires a lot of work in the beginning.
Happy new year!
David